What Indian Parents Say...

Indian parents, when going out:

1. They want you to get ready at 7 am even if we are leaving at 12 noon
2. They will start making food for the journey at 5:00 am. As if there are no restaurants or dhabas or train food available. I now have to eat cold paronthe from aluminium foil.
3. Don't talk to strangers in the train.
4. Dad won't use the map and knows all the directions. My dad gets lost on the second left turn.

In general

1. Don't go out in the sun you will become dark. Mom I am brown already can't become darker!
2. Study every evening from 6 to 9 or else you won't get into IIT. If you won't get into IIT, you are a loser in life!
3. Don't leave food in your plate. Eat it! Eat eat eat it! Don't let me get up from my chair. You want thappad?
4. Are our neighbours from Africa? I - Dad he is Michael & works for JP Morgan in Canary Wharf, lived in London for 25 years! Don't teach me you dog, I know he is kaala from Africa, no need to get close to him.
5. If you won't study you will become a builder. I don't want you to be a builder; you must become a doctor or accountant! Go go go to your room and study. I - Dad I like civil engineering I would like to become a builder! Get out of this house. I- Dad I like cooking, would like to do some hotel management & hosputality degree! Out comes the gun! Shoots my ear off!
6. Switch off the TV! Switch it off now! Go Study! Remember IIT...
7. How come you got 85%? How much did Ravi get? 87%. You have brought shame to my family! Out comes the gun, shoots my other ear off!
8. Its cheaper in the other shop
9. When there is a 5 second kissing scene on TV, the parents go - Why are you watching this? What are you learning? Do you want to do this? Do you have a girl friend? Are you virgin? Poor kid - What??? How is the kissing scene on TV related to my virginity?
10. Where is the respect? Show some respect! Why won't you say Sat Sri Akal Uncle ji? Go and say now! Go! Go! Go! Don't let me get up, you want thappad?
11. Give me the TV remote. Only I can change the channel. I am watching it even when I am sleeping!
    
    

Patents love saying to newly wedded couples

1. Beta you must respect her & her family now. "oh I didn't know that, thanks for reminding, as if I curse my folks everyday!"
2. Beta I want to see the grand child before I die. "Mom last month you were 50, you didn't speak about dying; this month you are still 50, why are you talking about dying?"
3. Start saving you will be 3 very soon

Read more...

Facebook is like marriage?

Facebook is like marriage, you can't live without it. Here it is:

1. The first thing you see after the wife moves in with you "Now I don't know where is the sugar jar, she's completely changed the place where I kept it before. It was always under the table or on the chair in the dining room, now I need to look in the cupboards in the kitchen to find the sugar jar!" Facebook keeps changing the way you add photos, tag photos, comment on photos, link photos, I get very confused every time I need to upload photos or albums.
2. As soon as you get married you realise that every time you step out of the house you need to tell the lady where you are going. “I am going out” is unacceptable. "Now I have to tell my wife where am I going at 7pm in the evening? I am not a kid I can find my way back!" but the wife needs to where you are and needs to track each and every movement of yours. On Facebook whenever you write a comment or post a photos or write on your wall, you need to tell the location. In fact if you are posting using your smart phone, the location is automatically uploaded. Facebook is my wife’s invention?
3. Sometimes your wife comes and asks “who is this lady in the photo”, you reply “my aunt!”, the next questions is “oh really, I thought she is your uncle, can you please elaborate how is she your aunt?” then you need to explain her, blah di blah di blah di blah.... I now need to tell Facebook what is my relationship with each person on my friends list; mum, dad, uncle, cousin, blah! Why? Why? Again is Facebook my wife’s invention?
4. I need to tell my wife if I like her cooking or dress or hair or shoes. On Facebook you have to LIKE or comment or hate a photo posted by a friend whom you spoke to once in 4 years at the university.
5. I now need to welcome my wife's cousin whom she's spoken to once in last 5 years, to our new home. We can ignore that cousin after the dinner for next 5 years. On Facebook once a long lost friend adds you, you need to speak to them for next 7 days, after that you both ignore each other for next 5 years.
6. In marriage you can have a fight and poke your wife/husband in the eye, on Facebook you can poke your friend too.
7. My wife needs to know my entire friends list. Friends who are from my office, from my university or from my club. I need to give all the details about my friends to my wife, so that if I am going out with “a friend” she knows, will I come home drunk or dead drunk or lying in the gutter! Where my wife picks me up from depends on the kind of friends. On your Facebook, your friends must have surely checked out all your friends and must have surely seen your friends from University. Check out friends of friends and comment "ah this girl is his friend from university. Bhav had some awesome girls in his university!" Marriage categorises your friends and so does Facebook!
8. In married life if a man has a problem he has to "be a man & fight the problem!", if the lady has a problem we need to "be a man & support her!" Check this on Facebook; a man says "I lost my job today" - you get only 1 comment - "be a man, you should be out there looking for a job & not posting status on your wall". A girl says "my cat is sick" - the girl gets 1000 comments comforting her. Mark Zuckerburg is a woman?
9. Marriage sucks the energy out of a conversation; you keep thinking "is this why I got married?" Facebook keeps you awake all day & night. You leave a message on your crush's wall at 12 in the night, wake up 3 times in the night to check for a reply, wake up in the morning & start pressing refresh 10 times to update your notification. You keep thinking is this why I messaged on her Facebook page.
11. Once you get married you start showing off in front of your in-laws. You make sure your in laws know that you have bought a new car and it's bigger & better than what they have. In the Facebook world the first thing you do after buying a car is “post photos on Facebook!" Comments you get from your in-laws - "What a loser, that's a shit car at a shit price. You were robbed. I could have got you a better deal. Don’t you recall your father in law telling you everything about everything you have bought, even if he does all his shopping from Argos!
12. Once you get married, you like sleeping next to the girl whom you have loved for the last so many years. And Facebook is addictive, we all know that!

Read more...

How to solve the sovereign debt crisis? And the future

There should be a plan how the sovereign crisis can be solved and I think to do that the big economies must stop borrowing from the other economies of the world and start developing their own industries to improve the government's balance sheets.

Currently the countries like Italy, Spain, Portugal, Greece, and even France, Germany, UK & USA only pay the interest on the loans they have taken from the other economies of the world. When the times comes for the next instalment, the payment amount increases and this leads the governments to cut in local spending. We then see tax increases, decrease in pensions, decreases in free services given by the governments, etc etc etc. So the best thing to have done in the first case was to borrow less, but now we need to increase your country's manufacturing and try to create more jobs. Easier said than done though.

I think Europe should do this:

1. Increase manufacturing in Germany, France & United Kingdom. Chip manufacturing? Electric cars? electric batteries for cars? Some new innovation? Finland was the home of mobile phone manufacturing; a country again has to become the trend setter.
2. Bring the call centres back. The basic simple jobs should go to the local people.
3. Improve rail network, add 4 carriages to every train that runs in Britain; and please give contracts to local firms, where local banks fund the projects.
4. European Union has to break away from very weak economies like Greece & Ireland. I think Italy & Spain are too big to fail and they can be part of European Union with some new rules. The following countries should be part of EU - UK, Germany, France, Spain, Italy, Netherlands, Austria, Belgium, Sweden, Finland and Luxembourg. Rest can join later.
5. We have the ISA in UK where people can save up to £5300 every year. FSA must increase ISA limit from £5300 to £10000. This will change the mentality of people in UK, from spend spend spend to save save save and the banks will see their cash reserves increase. This money can then be given to the businesses and this will help boost the economy.
6. Ask people to spend where it is necessary & not spend on useless items - we actually don't need 2 laptops, iPads, 2 iPhones, XBOX & 3 holidays every year.
7. Above all the governments should believe in themselves and bring the manufacturing back to Europe, especially Britain (because I live here). I cannot believe the country that started the industrial revolution is now not manufacturing enough and believes that the service industry can help it survive. How can the government be happy to see that the manufacturing has been moved to Asia and all we do here is buy gadgets.

Our government must invest in innovation (which cannot be bloody copied) and must help to develop the entrepreneurial mentality of the youngsters. Enough of everyone wanting to become Accountants, Doctors and Bankers. We need people to become Engineers and develop this country's industries.

The future of Europe & America doesn't look great if they think that only services can help support the economy. Asia will be a big competitor for the next few decades; the West needs to find ways (and not just a way) to make themselves stronger manufacturing and innovation bases.

Read more...

Who represents India?

Well this is a curious thought... There is so much protest going on in India at this moment that we read and listen more about Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev than the President Patibha, PM, Sonia, Amma, Didi, Sachin Tendulkar, SRK, Dhoni, etc...

• Anna Hazare has transformed vilages in India and when he fasted for uprooting corruption and bringing Lokpal Bill to the table; around 5000 people joined him (mostly from the Delhi region). Anna's also got a huge support from the so called intellectual class of India - writers, civil servants, painters, etc and all the Bollywood, Tamilwood, Bengaliwood, film-stars joined him on Twitter and Facebook.
• Baba Ramdev has brought yoga back to the people of India. When Baba Ramdev did his fast around 65000 people joined him - mostly from the B, C, D graded towns of India. Ramdev's got support of the common man. There were no filmstars or politicians or intellectuals. There were common people who wanted his voice to be heard by the government and action to be taken against the corrupt.

Who does India represent? "5000 people + the film stars + intellect society" or the 65000 poor peasants who came all across India?

Both Hazare and Ramdev are fighting for the same cause - "development of a new vaccine - anti corruption" but the sharp divide between the classes who represent them is evident.

When Anna Hazare fasts - it is telecast live on the TV and with police protection.

When Baba fasts - police reached the Ram Lila ground at 1:00 in the night to force feed him or arrest him. The reason, "He asked permission for Yoga and not for fasting!" I feel like laughing out loud at this reason. When Ramdev said live on TV, "65000 Indian citizens will fast at the Ram Leela ground in protest of the corrupt govenrment and in order to bring back the black money" does this sound like "I will teach Yoga to 65000 people"?

When Ramdev speaks, he speaks the language of the common man and when Anna Hazare speaks he represents the intelectual class.

Who does India represent? The posh intelectual class or the working class? Or this is just all just a circus?

Read more...

IPL - changing the face of world cricket

I guess anyone watching the IPL would be thrilled by the number of sixes and fours being hit and the sheer excitement around the whole tournament.

I also love the fact that IPL will change the way cricket will be played, heard, worn, spoken about in the future. In future:

• When a batsman will hit a six, it will be called a "DLF mximum".
• When a catch will be taken, it will be called a "Karbon Kammal Catch".
• When a wicket will fall, it will be called a "Citibank Moment of Success"
• When the sponsors want the crowd to cheer for a team (basically shout), we will hear "Yahoooo" at 2000 decibels
• The man of the match will be called, the "Hero of the Match" because Hero Honda will be the sole sponsor of the MOM trophy.
• Drinks break will be called, "Maxx Mobile timeout".

Wonderful isn't it? I am so thrilled that my children will not know the boring cricket my parents and I knew about; when a "four" was called a four and a "six" was called just a six.

Imagine how exciting football will become if such innovative ideas of IPL would become part and parcel of the Barclays sponsored English Premiership games.

The commentary team would have to say:

• Normal Fouls - That was a Northern Rock sponsored foul by Rooney on Fabregas.
• Severe Fouls that deserve a card - I think Rooney will get a Dulux Paint sponsored Yellow card from the Referee
• Ball goes past the goal post - Oooh, that was a Gillett close shave past the goal post
• At the start of the game - The referee blows the whistle and that is the start of Durex sponsored game
• Good save by the keeper - Excellent Tesco sponsored save by Van der Saar. "Every little saved" helps in the victory!
• Goal - What else can I call it but a Dubai World Hedgefund Moment of Success!
• Half Time - That is the whistle for a Coke break
• Penalty Kick - Looks like Ryan Giggs is stepping up to take the Nike "Just Do It" penalty!

I hope the BCCI gang takes note of this nonsensical brand promotion commentary before it drives me crazy enough to say "I am loving it!".

Also can someone please explain me the reason behind the ridiculous colours of Kochi Tuskers jersey? Were the floodlights not bright enough in Kochi?

Read more...

Does this mean I am getting old?

I suddenly find myself forgetting things and being absent minded a lot:

1. Leave home at 7:00 to take a 7:18 train (to Liverpool Street) on platform 4, but instead go to platform 2 and sit in the 7:21 train. The 7:21 train is a slow train and the 7:18 one is a fast train.
2. Go to a shop, buy some stuff, take the change and walk out. Forget the stuff at the counter. This has happened twice.
3. I don't always carry a book to read on my train journey and recently got interested in reading one. Forgot it twice on the train, went back and got it. Once this book was in my bag and I thought that I left it back in the train. Went back, checked around the seat and then checked my bag again. Ah here it is. :-)
4. Leave stuff (keys, wallet) somewhere in the house, come back after 5 minutes and have no clue where did I keep it. :-)
5. Once I left home on my bike, reach station and found "oh, I haven't got my keys"; but interestingly I absolutely remembered on this occasion the place where I have left my keys!
6. I have forgotten my phone back home few times.
7. Wife asks me "Do you know where is ........................"; my brain goes absolutely blank.

But on the positive side, I have never forgotten where the TV remote is. "Wink"

I am the man of the house and I control what everyone watches on the TV!

Read more...

How to have an easy train journey everyday

Make your body accustomed to 3 - 4 deg C during winters

I feel very uncomfortable when the heating is switched "ON" in the train carriage. This winter when we had snow in December and early January, I made my body and my skin accustomed to the warm 3 deg C or 4 deg C temperatures inside the train carriage. Suddenly when I find the heating is switched "ON" in the carriage, I feel like I am in a sauna. I don't want to get all sweaty and sticky when I reach office. I would rather die of frost bite in the train than have the heating switch "ON".

Build relationship with the train drivers

I get very bugged when the train reaches Liverpool Street on time. You see it is a nice 1 hrs 10 minute journey every day from Cambridge to London Liverpool Street. But the driver understands that it is not enough for me to have a nap. And so we finish the journey every day in 1 hr 30 minutes or so. The driver always has reasons to tell to the other passengers

• this train will be delayed as we have dew drops on the track, the tracks are slippery
• the other driver didn't unlock the coupling
• the train doors are locked, please wait inside
• signalling problems
• overrunning weekend engineering works throughout the week
• (because one of my passengers wants to have a long nap)

The train drivers help me take a longer nap on the train journey. But when the train does reach on time, which is once every 2 weeks, my boss asks me "why so early?".

Lose some weight if you want to get in the underground

I generally don’t need to take the underground train in London but if I am working out of Canary Wharf office (which I did a lot last year) I make sure I plan it months in advance. The underground is very crowded every morning (between 8 AM to 9:30 AM) and when I do have to take an underground, I start losing weight months before the journey. This helps me squeeze in the 3-4 inches of space available on the overcrowded carriage on the Northern Line. And yes “mind the gap”.

I can also lose weight by

• Walking up 300 stars - Escalators works on the Bank station will go on till July 2012 and start again in September 2012.
• Walking more on the Bank station - Lifts will not work during peak hours on the Bank station, so please take the longest route, to exit the station.
• Walking a bit more - Take the longest route to reach the Northern line when I reach the King’s Cross station from Cambridge.

Be ready to pay just an extra 6 % every year

Now that I have made my body accustomed to near freezing point temperate in the carriage and to the long train journeys, how about showing some gratitude for the extra comfort? So from 1st of January 2011, I decided to pay 6% more than what I paid the whole of last year. Well they haven’t left me with any choice; I love the journey so much that I want to show my appreciation by paying a little extra every day.

And stop complaining about the weather!

Read more...